I hate you/I love you

I hate you!

 

I hate that you force me to be somewhere and I do not enjoy the vibrations.

I hate the people you surround me with. People who don’t listen and do not appreciate love and light.

I hate that they are lost in habit and not working on caring for the people they serve.

I hate that black girls like me are far and few between. Why don’t we know data, performance Metrics, hospital systems, damn not even meeting etiquette?

The role we serve is a microcosm in the system of healthcare. So blind to the other roles, so busy fighting over being a Med/Surg nurse or and ICU nurse. Really, if that is what you are looking at; then you are exactly what the system needs to remain complacent. Black lives matter right?

I hate just having to follow someone else’s rules. I have my own personal needs.

 The hate I have for you goes beyond repair.

I have dedicated years of my life thinking I was going to serve and care for people, only to learn that is not what actually happens. We are forced to care for more people than our hearts can allow.

We are forced to turn off the love we have to offer. I’ve watched time and time again; nurse after nurse, their light be turned off by the trauma and disease day after day

When they start off in nursing school, they ALL say same thing; I became a nurse because I love…

People

Helping

Advocating

Contributing to a healthier life

Ask them now…

I am a nurse because ….

Of the paycheck

I am off 4 days a week

I can become a manager and boss people around

I can better than the next nurse

None of that builds on your purpose. None of it builds on your soul.

You slowly turn the lights out and left with the robots.

You know…

The ones who don’t notice the bruises

The one who carry the morphine in their pockets

The ones who left their children with who again….

O yes, my auntie….

But wait its ok because I AM a nurse

But no longer a nurse

 

I will ALWAYS be a nurse and now I am an author too!

I love you!

I love you because you watched me grow; you watched a sheltered girl who saw very little of what life have to offer. You watched my girls be born. You watched the postpartum depression take over and be overcome; you watch me be bullied on; you watch my light dim with every year that passed. You showed me nurses in all areas at various times in their careers. I was a part of their development while I was developing too.

I love you because you stayed in my corner.  If I needed a job you had it for me; shoot at one point I had 3 of them.

I love you because I don’t have student loans; in fact, my first job gave me money just being hired.

I love you because you have given me the opportunity to  witnessed the cycle of life time and time again. I don’t take life for granted.

I love you because someone took a chance on me to teach me Performance Metrics, data, and hospital systems.

So when in this crazy world, I can see the systems structure. I can see where I fit, so I can move with grace.

I love you because you provided for a young family that was not supposed to make it. 10 years later I can say we are making it and have big dreams for us.  So thank you and now it is time for you to grow up and it is my job to help.

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